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Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Ian, Geoff here. Had a cracking month in Dubai, can't believe the company's still got the money to pay for these trips. We still haven't sealed the deal with DPW but I did manage to pick up some really cheap Silk Cut and a mild case of camel flu. I wasn't to know, I was full of gin and the fuckers put a dress and some lipstick on it. Anyway, I need to get up to speed on this sell-off you and Marsh have been wanking yourselves dry over while I've been gone so I'm coming down to Bishopsgate tomorrow. Apparently there's some kind of protest going on so I'm going to fill up a couple of bottles with piss tonight, then we can give those filthy hippies a shower again like we did last time. Do you remember the look on that girl's face when Cleese leaned out the window and puked all over her dreadlocks? Priceless. Speaking of our kiddy-fiddling former colleague, his case starts next month. The company sorted him out with a pension that makes Fred Goodwin's look like a 3 minute handjob from a Down's Syndrome so he should have enough cash to get himself a decent enough lawyer to walk. Let me know if you want me to pick you up tomorrow, the Mrs crashed the Hummer again while I was away so I'll be in the Discovery.

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Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Ian, Geoff here. It's cocks on blocks time mate, Marsh has just announced a salary freeze from senior management downwards. This is apparently to "allow us to continue delivering the same excellent levels of service to our customers". What it will actually allow us to do is keep our 150% bonus for the year, so I may have to grudgingly admit there is possibly 0.1% of Tony Marsh that isn't absolute cunt. Well, when I say us, I mean senior management upwards. Your bonus is going to the cleaners, turns out we haven't paid them for six months. I think that must be why there hasn't been any bog roll since November. I don't know about you but those share certificates are really starting to chafe my ring. Anyway, just wanted to give you a heads up before you go and buy another pair of shoes for that facially paralympian wife of yours. To be honest you're one of the lucky ones, the boys in Bristol are already on two day weeks and their share options are worth less than a scab on my balls.

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Wednesday, 25 February 2009

She truly was the queen of hearts.

Last time I had Pastis I shit myself at a wedding. Though it was at the reception, so it went down a storm with the rest of the lads.

The integration meeting has been postponed till Friday, Tony said he would tell you? He told me this brilliant joke about thalidomide babies and foxes, you'll have to ask him about it. Absolute fucking gem that Marsh. I asked him about your wife but he didn't recall her name.


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Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Ian, Geoff here. Sorry I wasn't at the integration meeting today, I've only just got back to the UK. Woke up on Saturday afternoon with a stonking hangover in a bush somewhere in Calais. Fuck knows how I got there, there was no sign of my passport nor my trousers. Last thing I remember is being chucked out of the Slug and Lettuce on Friday night for arguing with some wanker at the bar about the derivatives market. After about half an hour of thick black sick that smelled of pastis I managed to find my way to a police station but it's taken four days to get a replacement passport out to me. Anyway I'm somewhere in Kent now, will be back in the office tomorrow. I was chatting to someone on the train earlier who used to work with Marsh. Tell your mate Big John that if he wants something to fill his rag he should ask around and find out why Tony Marsh spent two weeks in a Saudi jail in 1998. Although I say 'rag', I actually read a really good article in there the other day by Michael Winner. Well, I say 'read', there was a photo of Diana on that yacht with Dodi and you could see a good 2 inches of cleavage. Such a waste.

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Saturday, 21 February 2009

Ian, Geoff here. Let me tell you one thing about Tony Marsh - Tony Marsh is a fucking cunt. Not because he////; fucked my wife. Not cos I was passed over for prom/;'otion twice last time he was my boss. No iaN, cos he's a FUCKING cunt.
Oi Ian why did you leave the pub so early you p ussy prickholee/?? We were just getting started!! jus getting Started. I'm still here Ian. I'm stlil here!! Mine's a Bailey#s yeah? MINE'S A BAILEYS

';; kl;kl;dsj;lkjjjjjjjjjjjj

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Thursday, 19 February 2009

From: Steve Mason (
Sent: 18 February 2009 10:48
To: ITStaff
CC: Tony Marsh (; Eidur Helgusson (;

Right, I obviously got first dibs on Cleese's shit, so this is what's left. If no one wants it, I'll put it in a box, we can all wank on it, and I'll send it to the jail anonymously so he gets put in isolation.

And I think I speak for the whole of IT Management, Co-Ordination and Implementation when I thank Eidur for his contribution to Shaft. Moving forward, I would also like to welcome Tony Marsh to the 'Shafters', and extend our capacity towards him, moving forward.

Steve Mason

Head of IT Management, Co-Ordination and Implementation

Shaft Capital 

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

From: Eidur Helgusson (
Sent: 18 February 2009 10:36
To: AllStaff

Dear all,

I am writing to inform you of the regrettable news that Paul Cleese's consultancy working with Shaft has come to an end. Paul has been embedded in the management team since last February, and has contributed a great deal to our business, instrumental as he was in the back-office synergies created in the Swindon and Reading offices, not to mention his pivotal role in synthesising new e-strategies for the business in coalition with Steve Mason and the rest of the IT team. It is with heavy hearts, then, that we have decided to bring his consultancy to an end, due to the current difficult market conditions and a pending police investigation.

You will also be aware by now that I am stepping down as MD at the end of February. I have had a memorable three years with the company since stepping in after Jeff Shaft's tragic and unexpected massive coronary back in March 2006. I will be returning home to Iceland to take up a new challenge, working with the government in Reykjavik to rebuild the country's shattered economy. I'm sure I will be able to draw upon a lot of the valuable lessons that I have learned from you, my friends and colleagues at Shaft Capital! Tony Marsh will be replacing me, who many of you will know from his previous spells at the company. Tony has worked in the financial and construction industries for close to three decades, and can count among his recent achievements a key role in the building of the world's largest artificial outdoor ice rink in Abu Dhabi, a director's position at Lehmann Brothers, and 18 months on the Treasury select committee under the Major government. I wish him every success at Shaft, and I hope you'll all make him feel very welcome. I suggest a 10-year single malt as a start!


Eidur Helgusson

Managing Director

Shaft Capital

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Hi Ian. You really shouldn't have posted that on Geoff's Facebook, I've just spent three hours in a police station explaining why I have child porn on my BlackBerry. The rozzers have gone to see Cleese now so he may not have to wait until Friday to have his contract terminated. Spoke to my editor, he's not interested, says this is beneath the Mail. If it's not popstars or Labour MPs they don't want to know. I thought I'd at least get 12 inches on one of the filler pages, but they're running an opinion piece from Michael Winner on Diana and the death of decorum. I've read it and it's fucking awful. The work experience lad subbing it came to me with it asking if Winner's got Alzheimer's. I told him no, he just doesn't have a soul.

I've got to go now and explain all this to Laura, but if you've got anything on that RBS chap and the Somali rent boy I could really use it. Golf on Sunday?

Jonathan Small

Newsdesk (Southwest and Wales)

Daily Mail

A DMGT publication

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From: Facebook (
Sent: 16 February 2009 22:26:55
To: Geoff Hunt (
Ian Swanton commented on your status. 
"I've got Cleese's phone, remember that drugged up twat who was 
missing all his teeth? Well apparently that's his fucking nephew, 
I've just forwarded the video on to Big John, my contact at the 
Daily Mail, he says this is going straight in tomorrow's edition. 
What a wanker. Do you think we can split his bonus? 
This is a private message right?"

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Sunday, 15 February 2009

Paul Cleese wrote on your Wall:

"Hi Ian. Sorry to disturb you on a Sunday but I was just wondering if you've seen my iPhone? Realised yesterday when I got back from golf that it wasn't in my pocket and I really need it back. There's a few sensitive photos on there of my nephew that I wouldn't want falling into the wrong hands. Give me a Skype because I'm heading down to the office now and I can't get on Facebook at work. Putting in a few extra hours tonight so we can have a fucking stormer of a week ironing out how the next phase of restructuring is going to play.


To see your Wall or to write on Paul's Wall, follow the link below:

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Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Ian, Geoff here. You do know they fixed the server last week, the same day it went down? You don't need to keep using your Hotmail account you wedge. Anyway, I just wanted to give you a heads up on the next round of cutbacks. Paul Cleese's consultancy comes to an end next Friday, and we're not going to roll over his contract this time. Wanker's wasted too much of our money, and we're not in the business of being careless with our money. Other people's money yes, but not our own. The thing is, I need you to do me a favour. What with things being tight, the company needs that iPhone back off him. Any chance you can reach into his pocket and grab it next time you're bumming him behind the Lunsbury clubhouse? After all, you "know how important it is to know that your money is safe". Which reminds me, Sally made a call and it turns out the FT have bumped up the rates on their ad space, so we're putting your chubby little face in What Car? instead. See you down in Bristol on Friday.

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Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Paul, Ian here. Has the FT thing gone to press? I'd love to see it in print. I bet Geoff is shitting his knicks now I'm the face of Shaft! Thanks for turning it in to a jpeg. I've started signing off all my emails with it, I think it adds the personal touch. You might have to help me iron out a few technical hitches though, you know what I'm like!

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FW: Shaft ads in FT Magazine this weekend

Attachments: is_adfeb09.pdf

Paul, Geoff here. Check out this fuckmunch...

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Thursday, 5 February 2009

Geoff, Ian here. Have you seen that twat Paul Cleese with his iPhone? We were at the club last night and everytime he went to the bar he started fiddling around with it like he'd just discovered his dick. Remind me to turn it on vibrate and shove it up his arse next time we see him.
  Re: the Google situation, I've just got the work experience lad to throw a brick through Venture Prospect's window. I must have got the right one, our pay-per-click costs have halved since the ambulance arrived.
  Sorry about the share price crash the other day, they'd just lifted the ban on short selling and I couldn't resist. Though I was sorry to see it mentioned in Simmons' suicide note. I thought it was a case of fanny and the benders when he started crying at the Synergy 'n' Swindon day. Turns out he meant it.

Oh by the way, do you think my new phone will be on it's way soon? Its doing that thing where it goes black and starts playing 'Knights in White Satin' by the Moody Blues. Classic tune btw.

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Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Hi Geoff, it's Paul. The servers over at Reading are down because of the snow, Ian's off the radar because the turd doesn't know how to use Hotmail on his BlackBerry. If you ask me the BlackBerry is over anyway, it practically screams "cunt" when you whip out that limp dick of a phone. Since I got this iPhone I feel way more in tune with how our business operates. I'm not talking about plain old technology, I mean I actually feel e-ready. Mobile interfaces have been playing catch up for far too long, but Apple are cornering a market that's product-led, it transcends spaces beyond the office. I'm going to put in a recommendation to Shaft that all our facilitators get upgraded, you included. I haven't just taken on this consultancy to fill my pockets, I'm fully focussed on creating as many synergies as possible across departments, and I'm not just talking about systems development and resource optimisation. We need to ramp it up if we're going to stay ahead of the chasing pack. Squash on Friday?

Paul Cleese

Nilsson Consulting Southwest

Please consider the environment before printing this email.

iPhone 3G - Thousands of apps. Thousands of reasons to love your iPhone.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Ian, Geoff here. Are you attracted to me? Do you love me? Do you want to bend me over and fuck me like a bitch? Because that's what you're doing right now sending me this car crash of a report two days before the directors make their announcement to the shareholders. If you need me to send George Jones over there to hold your hand while you piss you should have said you dickslap. For a start you can scale back the pay-per-click on Google, that misshapen cleft licker Sally Norris tells me they've got someone over at Venture Prospect specifically employed to sit there all day playing with his balls and clicking on our fucking ads. The cunt's costing us €250 a day and that doesn't look pretty in sterling any more. Paul's looking quite the nobhead now for insisting we move online marketing to Frankfurt. Drinks on Friday?

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Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Geoff, Ian here,
Just got back from the hospital. My dick is as a thick as a chimp's wrist, and not in a good way. I'll be off work for a few days, but if anyone asks, I got dengue fever from that Thai curry. You didn't mention what happened to Jenny did you? She is already suspicious about the picture message of me fucking that dog. Then again, a bet is a bet.

Probably back Thursday or Friday, whenever it is Chancellor Darling is writing the next cheque. What a spaz-back.

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Thursday, 8 January 2009

Paul, Geoff here. What the fuck happened to Ian? Last time we saw him he was running out of that brothel with his dick hanging out screaming. He wasn't on our flight home, his wife doesn't know where he is and I keep getting his 'out of office' every time I email him. I'm worried about him - he left the charger for his BlackBerry in the hotel room. Let's just hope he hasn't copied his brother and dunked himself in one of those scummy canals.

While he's out of the office you're going to need to get the IT gimps up to scratch on what we want to do with the splash page on the website. The MD's blowing a fucking kidney about the photo of that cunt Madoff right next to the Shaft logo, said something about it not being appropriate in the current climate...? What does he want, a fucking snowman? Some dopey old scrubber slipping over on the ice and breaking her face? I don't know why people in this country get so wound up about the weather, you can always hop on a plane to the Phillipines if you need a dose of sun and a bit of sucky sucky. Speaking of which, I've lent those DVDs I brought back from Laos to John Holt, you can have them next once he's finished his night shifts at the hospital.

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Monday, 5 January 2009

Hi Paul (and the rest of the boys at Shaft!)
Great to see you lads the other night, I'm afraid I'll have to duck out of Amsterdam, I've got night shifts at the hospital. We had to sack all the junior doctors to get our pay rise.
Unions eh?

Oh and by the way, in my professional opinion, that girl's nipple is cancerous, so someone should mention that to her.

Till next time.
Dr. John Holt

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Wednesday, December 24, "paul cleese' wrote:
> >Alright lads,
>here are the pics from the Christmas party, what a fucking
>night. And Geoff, you are SPOT ON about Karen from HR
>and her tumour nipple. What a slack bitch.
>See you on the 6th for Amsterdam
>Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld