Ian, Geoff here. Sorry I missed the conference call this morning, had a spot of bother in the Far East. Turns out you can't bang a Lao girl if you're foreign unless you marry her first. All turned out well though - I claimed the bail as expenses and I now have a 14 year old wife with a dick. Merry fucking Christmas to me!
How was the party? Paul Cleese emailed me the photos, can't believe that fat munt from HR got her tits out again. Always seems to happen when I'm out of the country. Does she have a tumour or is that her nipple?
I've got 3 days off but it looks like I'm going to have to be in the office on Boxing Day to go through the management accounts with Martina. I'm guessing a bottle of brandy and a box of Matchmakers should be enough to convince her to take out her false teeth and give my shaft a good gumming while I sort through all the shit left over from the HBOS merger. Did you know our bonuses have actually gone up by 27% this year? I reckon if I give those spreadsheets a good going over while the office is empty I should be able to divert my pension contributions for the last quarter into our little venture in the Caymans without Accounts noticing. They're still up to their eyeballs in P45s from the cull up in Nottingham. Speaking of P45s, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. Can't make the funeral unfortunately, me and the boys are off to Amsterdam for the weekend, I'm rewarding them for the extra profits we're announcing in Jan thanks to the redundancies, salary reductions etc. Fancy coming along?
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Tuesday 23 December 2008
Monday 22 December 2008
Geoff, Ian here,
Are you coming to the Christmas party? It was going to be at the Hilton, but now we are having it in the Lidl car park with the Lehman Brothers lot. My dealer's been banged up so I couldn't get any Chelsea, but I've got this new stuff called Ketamin. Top shelf shit according to the bloke in the NCP toilets. I'm just trying it out now, nothing has happened yet, but once I've downed a bottle of bolly I'm sure it will start to take efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff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Are you coming to the Christmas party? It was going to be at the Hilton, but now we are having it in the Lidl car park with the Lehman Brothers lot. My dealer's been banged up so I couldn't get any Chelsea, but I've got this new stuff called Ketamin. Top shelf shit according to the bloke in the NCP toilets. I'm just trying it out now, nothing has happened yet, but once I've downed a bottle of bolly I'm sure it will start to take efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff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Tuesday 16 December 2008
Ian, Geoff here. The redundancies in Swindon are happening tomorrow, Steve Perkins does a cracking Russell Brand impression so he's going to phone up the dipshits we're getting rid of and deliver the news then he'll tell them he's fucking their wife. It's going to be bloody hilarious mate! If you can make it down to Swindon next week we're having a big piss-up in the office before we lease it out, Perkins has booked that really ropey stripper, you remember the one from the Christmas party with a fanny like a bowl of mussels?
Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to Dubai, all the women over there look like that Akash bloke from IT. You know, the one with the hare lip? Still it should be easy enough to tie up the shipping deal, we've funnelled more than enough dollars into the sheikh's arsehole since we got the Emirates contract, if he doesn't get down on his knees and suck this time then he's even more of a prick than he looks. By the way we're having to make a few cutbacks with this sort of thing, so you're going to be in economy with the knuckle draggers I'm afraid. I would get Liam to upgrade you so you can sit in business with me, but he thinks you're a shit.
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Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to Dubai, all the women over there look like that Akash bloke from IT. You know, the one with the hare lip? Still it should be easy enough to tie up the shipping deal, we've funnelled more than enough dollars into the sheikh's arsehole since we got the Emirates contract, if he doesn't get down on his knees and suck this time then he's even more of a prick than he looks. By the way we're having to make a few cutbacks with this sort of thing, so you're going to be in economy with the knuckle draggers I'm afraid. I would get Liam to upgrade you so you can sit in business with me, but he thinks you're a shit.
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Geoff, Ian here. I've been across to the new office, but it looks like we're on a time share with a Cash Converters. I'll go back after they close and look through the HBOS files, see what I can dig up.
Evans would say that, but trust me; TSB's titties are bone dry, and they'll be wrapped round her windpipe before we can get her to cough up some capital.
Talking of golf, I've stopped playing at the Lunsbury because of the receptionist; she's Polish and I just don't like them touching my hands. Happy to go for a round once we get to Dubai, apparently you get your legs cut off if you even say 'recession' over there.
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Ian, Geoff Here. We've just had a briefing on where this downturn leaves us, looks like some of the boys in Swindon are about to feel the hard throbbing cock of redundancy right up their fucking shitter. We'll relocate you across the street but in the mean time I want you to brainstorm this recession situation - is there any way we can invest in this? Martin Evans tells me there's a lot more banks ready to come crawling for one more suck on the wad, I'd like see a hitlist by Friday if you can tear yourself away from that fucking golf course for long enough. Let's stick some serious debt-based finance into this steaming shitty mess.
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Geoff, Ian here. Apparently there has been some sort of economic downturn. I've arrived back in London and the office has been turned in to a Lidl. No fucking clue what it is, but one of the Polish lads tossed me off in the stock room for £3.50; and that's cheaper than Waitrose.
Anyway, Simpkiss topped himself and Jennifer's gone back on the game, so unless you get a real flare up, I wouldn't worry about the warts.
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Ian, Geoff here. Can't make tomorrow I'm afraid, David Simpkiss has been rimmed so hard he's chucked in the towel and I've got to go to Frankfurt and mop up the shit and piss. I hope you know what you're doing giving this deal to Shanghai - those cunts don't exactly have a good record when it comes to putting your cock in a pencil sharpener. I'm expecting you and your people to step up to the plate on this one and deliver some serious bosh profits-wise. Oh and tell Jennifer I've had the test and those warts are nothing to do with me.
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Geoff, Ian here. I've offloaded the Kraut-situ on to those pricks in the Shanghai office; no doubt I'll get a cock in my back pocket for that one, but who gives a gilded tit, at least the shit-fan's not blowing the air round my office. No offence mate, but inbred or no, at least Jennifer doesn't have a fucking adam's apple. Wednesday is can-do by all means. Lets make it an early one though, last week I pissed all over the seagrass, the wife came downstairs and I was asleep in the dog basket with a semi lob-on. Fucking nightmare.
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Ian, Geoff here. I find it hard to accept your criticism given that, despite being given over a month to seal this deal, you succeeded only in the remarkable feat of putting together an acquisitions team with less talent than my grandfather's septic ballbag. Maybe if you spent less time drilling that dribbling inbred whore of a secretary behind your wife's back and more time giving the end of year figures a good fisting you might not find yourself in this sorry mess. See you for drinks on Wednesday?
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Geoff, Ian here. You've fucked me right in the mouth with the Berlin deal. I can't touch it for a year once you've done your business in that hole. If you see my wife, tell her I'm sorry for calling her a cunt.
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Evans would say that, but trust me; TSB's titties are bone dry, and they'll be wrapped round her windpipe before we can get her to cough up some capital.
Talking of golf, I've stopped playing at the Lunsbury because of the receptionist; she's Polish and I just don't like them touching my hands. Happy to go for a round once we get to Dubai, apparently you get your legs cut off if you even say 'recession' over there.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian, Geoff Here. We've just had a briefing on where this downturn leaves us, looks like some of the boys in Swindon are about to feel the hard throbbing cock of redundancy right up their fucking shitter. We'll relocate you across the street but in the mean time I want you to brainstorm this recession situation - is there any way we can invest in this? Martin Evans tells me there's a lot more banks ready to come crawling for one more suck on the wad, I'd like see a hitlist by Friday if you can tear yourself away from that fucking golf course for long enough. Let's stick some serious debt-based finance into this steaming shitty mess.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geoff, Ian here. Apparently there has been some sort of economic downturn. I've arrived back in London and the office has been turned in to a Lidl. No fucking clue what it is, but one of the Polish lads tossed me off in the stock room for £3.50; and that's cheaper than Waitrose.
Anyway, Simpkiss topped himself and Jennifer's gone back on the game, so unless you get a real flare up, I wouldn't worry about the warts.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian, Geoff here. Can't make tomorrow I'm afraid, David Simpkiss has been rimmed so hard he's chucked in the towel and I've got to go to Frankfurt and mop up the shit and piss. I hope you know what you're doing giving this deal to Shanghai - those cunts don't exactly have a good record when it comes to putting your cock in a pencil sharpener. I'm expecting you and your people to step up to the plate on this one and deliver some serious bosh profits-wise. Oh and tell Jennifer I've had the test and those warts are nothing to do with me.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geoff, Ian here. I've offloaded the Kraut-situ on to those pricks in the Shanghai office; no doubt I'll get a cock in my back pocket for that one, but who gives a gilded tit, at least the shit-fan's not blowing the air round my office. No offence mate, but inbred or no, at least Jennifer doesn't have a fucking adam's apple. Wednesday is can-do by all means. Lets make it an early one though, last week I pissed all over the seagrass, the wife came downstairs and I was asleep in the dog basket with a semi lob-on. Fucking nightmare.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian, Geoff here. I find it hard to accept your criticism given that, despite being given over a month to seal this deal, you succeeded only in the remarkable feat of putting together an acquisitions team with less talent than my grandfather's septic ballbag. Maybe if you spent less time drilling that dribbling inbred whore of a secretary behind your wife's back and more time giving the end of year figures a good fisting you might not find yourself in this sorry mess. See you for drinks on Wednesday?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
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Geoff, Ian here. You've fucked me right in the mouth with the Berlin deal. I can't touch it for a year once you've done your business in that hole. If you see my wife, tell her I'm sorry for calling her a cunt.
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