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Wednesday, 27 July 2011

From: Jorge Da Costa (
To: Paul Cleese (
Wed 27 July 2011 @ 11.00 BST

Dear Mr Cleese,

Thank you for your enquiry. I would like to apologise for the time it has taken for you to receive a reply. As I'm sure you can appreciate, we have been very busy with the rollout of Google+ and associated queries from our first wave of users.

You are indeed right that we have a system in place to flag up certain users when rolling out new products, and having investigated your user history I can see that you are currently on a blacklist which prevents you from receiving invitations to take part in beta testing of projects such as Google+. This relates to a previous criminal investigation into yourself, in which we co-operated with UK law enforcement services and of which you have already been notified by both ourselves and the police. Due to the nature of the offence you were convicted of, you are excluded from the Google+ project on account of the potential threat you may pose to specific vulnerable demographic tranches of our user base.

I must also tell you that we have recently received a request from the police for your account information in relation to a high profile police investigation that you may have heard about in the media (Operation Weeting), and regretfully we believe that your account may have been illegally accessed by a third party as part of the alleged criminal activity which is currently being investigated. The police will be in touch with you shortly to provide you with more information on this matter.

I hope that I have been of some assistance with your enquiry, however I regret that we are currently unable to extend an invitation to you to join the Google+ project. If you have any further customer service queries, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,

Jorge Da Costa

Google UK Helpdesk

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

From: Paul Cleese (
To: ''
Tue, 19 July 2011 @16.02 EDT

Dear Google,

I am writing regarding a matter which is of some concern to myself. As a quick glance through my user profile will attest, I have long been an impassioned supporter and evangelist of the Google vision. I was using Gmail when most people were still using Royal Mail, I beta tested Chrome, and I briefly ran an investment fund which took a risk on Android and lost millions when it first came out. I have consistently carried the torch for Google products in the corporate space, and indeed you may be aware that I was nominated for an award at last year's Central Europe Division Google Corporate Symposium for my work with the Schaft-Mannheim group, where my pioneering approach to cloud-centric B2B interfacing resulted in the group becoming the first financial institution to maintain a database exclusively stored on Google Docs, a system which delivered massive cost savings, prior to the company's share price collapse and subsequent liquidation following a series of data security breaches.

Anyway I digress, the reason I am bringing all this to your attention is that I am frankly appalled and insulted that I have not yet received an invitation to join Google+ in its initial rollout phase. I simply cannot believe that you do not have some kind of system wired in to the delivery of the project which allows you to flag key stakeholders such as myself, and ensure that they are included in the architecture of the first phase. If you want this venture to succeed, you cannot afford to exclude social media barometers such as Paul Cleese from the conversation. You, my friends, risk losing the very kudos that trended your brand in the first place.

Let me spell it out for you. My nephew has been invited to join Google+, and he requires the assistance of a carer just to type his own name. My mother, who only opened an email account for the first time last weekend so she could join eBay, has been invited to join Google+. I, Paul Cleese, founder of Cleese UK Consulting Ltd and former director of Nilsson Consulting Southwest, have not been invited to join Google +. In these times of transparency and full disclosure, can you please explain to me how in God's name you have allowed this to happen? And can you please send me an invite to Google+?


Paul Cleese

Monday, 18 July 2011

From: Renegade Spear (
To: Derek Montoya (
Mon, 18 July 2011 @ 22.58 BST

Hi Derek

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, been hella busy getting shit together for this thing tomorrow. Dad said I shouldn't be using email at the moment, but I don't really see what the problem is - not like anyone's gonna hack me is it!

In answer to your question vis-a-vis the leaks, maybe you're right, maybe it's the other bank guy. What was his name? Brian? We're a bit screwed now White Velvet's been knocked out the ballpark, you're gonna have to get hands-on and pull this one out of the bag. It's time to step up to the plate Derek, don't let me down. I'm screwed otherwise Derek. So fucking screwed.


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

From: Derek Montoya (
To: Renegade Spear (
Wed, 14 July 2011 @ 17.01 BST

Hi Boss

I know you've probably got enough shit on your plate, to the extent where you're probably having to ask the waiter to put the rest of the shit in a doggy bag to take home so you can fill your already fairly shitty fridge with it, but apparently another story's about to break, the Tube guy this time. We've done some digging around as per your request and we don't think it's that bint on Twitter, and White Velvet doesn't think it's coming from G. He says the job may not have been carried out properly at the other end, thinks that chubby paedo might have twatted things right up. You want me to lean on the PN a bit harder, get them to find out where the shit got wiped and how big the stain is?


Tuesday, 12 July 2011

From: Paul Cleese (
To: Derek Montoya (
Tue, 12 July 2011 @ 15.51 EDT


I did everything you asked, G has been removed from the equation, no need to be getting the dicky willies. And seriously, Renegade Spear? Did he come up with that one himself? That's so 2.0.

One other thing, did you have any luck tracking down those photos? That was part of the deal too, right?



Paul Cleese
cleese uk : robust solutions as a core value

unit 6a, commercial house
cherokee road, providenciales
turks & caicos

t: (+001 649) 3667 9877

Monday, 11 July 2011

From: Derek Montoya (
To: Paul Cleese (
Mon, 11 July 2011 @ 22.34 BST

Hi Paul

Renegade Spear satisfied so far. We have transferred 50 as agreed, the rest will be transferred when the matter is concluded. I should let you know that I'm hearing some worrying noises from our man inside. If you've ballsed this up you're going to find yourself so far up shit creek that you'll discover a part of the creek that has up until now never been discovered, where little indigenous shit people live little shitty lives in ancient shitty pyramids made out of huge, perpetually steaming piles of shit, untouched by thousands of years of human civilisation, in a rancid and barren shitty landscape all stinking of foul and rancid shit and piss. Will be in touch.


Wednesday, 6 July 2011

6 July 2011 Last updated at 22.:54

Former Coulson aide arrested in murder probe

A 55 year old man who worked as an assistant to Andy Coulson, the former editor of the News Of The World, has been arrested in connection with the disappearance of a man in Monaco.

The man, named tonight as Geoffrey Hunt, was taken into police custody at Heathrow Airport in the early hours of Wednesday morning. It is believed that he was attempting to flee to the Cayman Islands.

In the latest twist to the phone hacking allegations engulfing News International, an unnamed police source revealed to the Guardian newspaper that Mr Hunt, a former investment banker at Shaft Capital, was believed to have leaked details of the allegations against the News Of The World while working as an assistant to Andy Coulson during his ill-fated stint as prime minister David Cameron's communications director.

Today's arrest is in connection with the disappearance of Ian Swinton, a former colleague of Mr Hunt at Shaft Capital, who went missing from his home in Monte Carlo in April. At that time Swinton was working as a consultant for the retail tycoon Philip Green, and it is alleged that he was still in regular contact with Hunt via email when Coulson resigned in January, which was shortly followed by Hunt's own resignation.

While details of Swinton's disappearance remain shrouded in mystery, police investigators in the principality are believed to have been treating the case as a murder investigation after a tip-off from another former Shaft employee, who has not been named. Police would not comment on the case this evening, other than to confirm that a man is being questioned in connection with an ongoing murder investigation.