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Thursday, 18 February 2010

Ian, it's Geoff. I can't pick you up from the airport tomorrow so I'm sending my driver Dejan to come and get you. He's Serbian, there's loads of the fuckers here, the Swiss hate them but Dejan's a top bloke. He's got some cracking stories about what he used to get up to in the 90s, he'll get you up to the office before you can say "wanted in The Hague". You're arriving at a good time actually, the city council's just pulled down the minaret opposite the office so we've now got an uninterrupted view of the park where all the students sunbathe topless in the summer. Hans in Acquisitions said he used to practically wank himself dry every lunch time staring out that window before they built the mosque. Unfortunately it's still pretty fucking cold here at the moment, though I find a couple of whiskeys before I leave the flat in the morning keeps me warm enough to survive the walk to the car. Can't get any decent chang out here though, the drones in the office are all a bit straight for my liking. Still, Paul Cleese should shake them up a bit when he flies out. Can't believe he's out on probation already, I guess his Tory friends must be pulling strings for him, and they're not even in power yet! Still, it was only kiddy photos he was in for, it's not like it's rape or anything. Which reminds me, are Jenny and the kids going to be moving over here or did you black them up and offload them in Haiti? The only reason I ask is that Janice Borowski is in Zurich now along with that other kid of yours that Jenny doesn't know about. He's got your eyes you know. One lazy, the other one vacant. Anyway we'll catch up tomorrow, I trust there weren't any problems with that passport Israeli Dan sorted out for you..?

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Friday, 12 February 2010

Geoff, Ian here,
  better be quick, I'm borrowing one of the U.N. Blackberries (they've got the Bold 9700 Smartphone - swanky cunts). OK, turns out the NHS had invested their pensions in Shaft (on cross-eyed Phil's advice, of course) so when I fucked off with what I thought was several million pounds of big-titted nurse milk, I actually ended up with a fiver's worth of rotten tumour-juice, if you catch my fucking drift. Anguilla's governor got a dick up his nose when he smelt the money-fail, so I had to get off the island quicker than you can say 'mounting coke debts'.
  Only problem was, no cashish. Met a lovely bloke named Angelino, from Florida, here on business, told me he'd get me to Orlando if I helped him on a bit of import-export. Next thing you know, I'm in Port-au-Prince, driving a bus full of kids to the port. Seemed like an innocent bit of cash in hand to me, but then I got hauled in by the police on trumped up charges. Let me tell you Geoff, the Haitians are an ugly people, especially when they have 'proof' that you are planning to 'take their children out of the country and sell them for sex all over the southern states of America'. An ugly people I tell you...

Basically, I'll be in Zurich next week, I just might have a different name.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Ian, Geoff here. Or should I say guten tag, mein Fuhrer! That's right mate I am back in business, the Germans have scraped together the bits of turd left over at Shaft and pushed them back up their arse, I've just been brought in on a consultancy basis over here in Zurich. The good times are back, did you see old Eyebrows announcing 0.1% growth in the last quarter? They obviously haven't seen the balance on my account over in the Caymans. I'm telling you, this recession is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I'm pissing money out of my arse like a Bangladeshi child with three days to live. After the divorce I got into property - repossessions, house auctions, that kind of thing. The tears on a newly homeless single mother's face taste all the sweeter when you've just tucked a cheque for ten times what she'll earn in a year into your back pocket. And believe me I've tasted them, cornered her after the auction, gave her a twenty and what do you know, I'm pumping the chud into her head like it's a fucking balloon. Would've got the daughters involved but they really were quite ugly. Anyway what have you been doing with yourself since you jumped ship and fucked off to Anguilla with those NHS pension funds? That'll teach them to get the private sector involved! I reckon there's a twat-shaped desk with your name on it here if you want it, there's serious fucking shekels to be made here, or whatever Monopoly money it is they have in cheesy cuckoo cock land. If you thought we had it soft touch in London, wait till you see what arse fuckery we can get away with here! I've got deals on the go with people so shady even the fucking Chinese wouldn't trade with them. Drop us an email anyway, I'm in Lugano this weekend but I'm on the BlackBerry.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld