Ian, Geoff here. Sorry I missed the conference call this morning, had a spot of bother in the Far East. Turns out you can't bang a Lao girl if you're foreign unless you marry her first. All turned out well though - I claimed the bail as expenses and I now have a 14 year old wife with a dick. Merry fucking Christmas to me!

How was the party? Paul Cleese emailed me the photos, can't believe that fat munt from HR got her tits out again. Always seems to happen when I'm out of the country. Does she have a tumour or is that her nipple?

I've got 3 days off but it looks like I'm going to have to be in the office on Boxing Day to go through the management accounts with Martina. I'm guessing a bottle of brandy and a box of Matchmakers should be enough to convince her to take out her false teeth and give my shaft a good gumming while I sort through all the shit left over from the HBOS merger. Did you know our bonuses have actually gone up by 27% this year? I reckon if I give those spreadsheets a good going over while the office is empty I should be able to divert my pension contributions for the last quarter into our little venture in the Caymans without Accounts noticing. They're still up to their eyeballs in P45s from the cull up in Nottingham. Speaking of P45s, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. Can't make the funeral unfortunately, me and the boys are off to Amsterdam for the weekend, I'm rewarding them for the extra profits we're announcing in Jan thanks to the redundancies, salary reductions etc. Fancy coming along?

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