Ian, Geoff here. The redundancies in Swindon are happening tomorrow, Steve Perkins does a cracking Russell Brand impression so he's going to phone up the dipshits we're getting rid of and deliver the news then he'll tell them he's fucking their wife. It's going to be bloody hilarious mate! If you can make it down to Swindon next week we're having a big piss-up in the office before we lease it out, Perkins has booked that really ropey stripper, you remember the one from the Christmas party with a fanny like a bowl of mussels?

Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to Dubai, all the women over there look like that Akash bloke from IT. You know, the one with the hare lip? Still it should be easy enough to tie up the shipping deal, we've funnelled more than enough dollars into the sheikh's arsehole since we got the Emirates contract, if he doesn't get down on his knees and suck this time then he's even more of a prick than he looks. By the way we're having to make a few cutbacks with this sort of thing, so you're going to be in economy with the knuckle draggers I'm afraid. I would get Liam to upgrade you so you can sit in business with me, but he thinks you're a shit.

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